Where I find my motivation.......

I honestly have very little to complain about these days. As mentioned in numerous posts, I have an extremely blessed life. However, like everyone else, I still have those days where I do things that I dont want to do. I have mornings when I dont want to go to work, and nights that I dont want to do anything but spend time with my family--but have so much I need to do instead. I sometimes find that I dread these things way too  much. I am no doubt a creature of habit--anyone who knows me well will tell you that. I like having my own routine right now. For so long, it seemed like everything was all over the place. My schedule (school and work) was NEVER the same before I graduated. It became difficult for even me to keep up with. Living at college, weekends were the only time that I had to see my family and Jordan. By the time Sunday got here, I dreaded going back to Montevallo for what would begin another long week of school, work, school, work, sorority, projects, meetings, school, work, school, work...........etc..... You get the point :) Anyway, at first I loved not knowing what I was going to do until that day, but eventually it was only a matter of time before my OCD came out. It got old...FAST! I think that this lifestyle I had for so long got to me and it is why I find myself dreading things that I shouldnt. I have come to a place within this past (almost) year where I know exactly what my week is going to be like. I am done with my undergrad and I have a steady 40 hour a week job. I wouldnt trade that for anything, because I know that if I want it to be, my day is over at 5 (and sometimes before) and what I do for the rest of the day is completely up to me. Of course I usually opt to spend that time with Jordan if I can. I have prayed for patience and the ability to take things as they come. It's very hard sometimes because I feel like I paid my dues with 4 years worth of hecticness (if that is a word) and for right now---I love our life, and how we spend our time. If I had it my way we would have a lot more of it to spend, which brings me to my point. ...


Those little inconviences that happen throughout my day and week are inevitable.They ARE going to happen, so in the mean time the best thing for me to do is to use my time wisely and find motivation to get through them. I realize how silly this sounds, but this is definately something that I struggle with. This motivation for me comes in the form of many things; seeing my wonderful husband at home, playing with our sweet puppies, or maybe looking forward to having dinner with my girlfriends. All of those things still play a huge roll in what motivates me. But lately, it has become the desire to want to make good use of my time for God and to glorify him in all that I do. I fall short all the time, but it is a far cry from where I was a year ago. I still dont make good decisions all the time, and I still sometimes ignore my conscious--but at least its there and I am listening to it. I find purpose in my activities and consequences in my actions. I have remorse when I do something that I am not proud of, and more importantly when I do something that I am proud of I credit my Lord and Saviour and not myself--at least I am trying to!! That is yet another resolution that I am working towards and seem to have come a long way. I pray in odd places at odd times--most of the time it is in the car that I have the most coversations with God. I usually talk to Him on the way to work every morning, however there are always times that I have this and that going on, or I will hear something interesting on the radio and I dont. I have found that those days that I forget to talk to God in the mornings are never good ones. Before my relationship with Him, I would have considered them normal--but not anymore. Once again, breaking my little routine does not set well with me at all. After I pray in the morning, I feel that I can handle anything that happens during my day. I still get frusterated, bored, mad, etc.......but I can handle it none the less. It is my goal to make Jesus Christ my primary source of motivation. And slowly but surely He is clmbing the charts. I find myself becoming closer and closer to him, but still have so far to go.

Someone's Having a Baby!!!!! :)

Not us ;) I bet it got your attention though! One of my oldest and dearest friends, Hollie, is expecting! I got the news last night and am absolutely thrilled for her and her husband, Phillip! She is due around September/October..... Hollie and I have so many wonderful memories together and I cant wait to add this one to the rest :) Congrats again Hollie and Phillip!

One day at a time.....

So I get a phonecall yesterday from Jordan asking if I get Friday or Monday off for the 4th of July. I knew this was leading somewhere so I asked why. Of course my inlaws were already planning our beach trip!! Yay! Needless to say I was extatic! I didnt even care which day I was off. It didnt matter to me at all..........I was in :) Now I have got spring fever and find it increasingly difficult to sit in my office. I have had alot of time to think this week-- with work being slow and everything. Now I have even more to think about! I totally understand that this beach trip is months away, but I assure you that doesnt make me ANY less excited about it :)

Jordan always tells me how OCD I am about planning everything out. I really have no idea where I got that from. Neither of my parents are like that at all. It seems to be something that I have just picked up in the last couple of years and I dont know why. Anyway....I constantly set goals for myself--like ALL the time. Two years ago, I was going to lose 20 lbs by our wedding. Well, I lost 30. Then after we got married, I set a goal of spreading out our money for Christmas and started buying gifts in September (when you are a newlywed with only one full time income you kind of have to). Jordan said that people would understand that we couldnt get everyone something that year because we were just starting out. I refused to let that be the case. I wanted everyone in my life to have a present--and they did! It took a couple of gifts per paycheck, but we managed. Now that I have a career going, that wasnt so much of an issue this year. But it's always something with me. My New Years' resolution for 2009 was to get Jordan OUT of school. I didnt care if he had to load up on classes and I had to do them for him. He was graduating--and he did! It definately was NOT easy--and I will be the first to admit that I did my fair share of his school work, but oh well--the end result was the same.........Degree!

Now that I have "turned over a new"....my new goal is for my relationship with God to grow. This week has been a challenging one to say the least. But I have every confidence in the world that I can do it. I have a pretty good track record on sticking to things if I do say so myself :) I have encountered some "heavy" conversations with people that I normally would not talk to about serious subjects with. Normally I tend not to be so forward with my opinions when it comes to religion and politics.... I would say "to each, their own"... I still beleive that when it comes to politics. Those of you who know me well know how I feel about this subject. However I have noticed myself voicing my belief in God more and more these days. It's never been something that I was ashamed of at all. As previously mentioned, I have always known the power of the Lord. But now that my relationship with Him is growing, now that my marriage is stronger, now that I talk to God all the time throughout the day (even if it's just in my head), I feel that Christians have a certain responsibility. I thought about that fact this morning while listening to Rick and Bubba. Those people in Haiti who experienced that terrible tragedy have lived in horrible conditions their entire life. I know that there are missionaries over there, but they have no communication like we do here. What if not everyone is aware of Jesus Christ? Should we just leave it at that? Should we just let it go and only look out for ourselves? Someone has to let them know....someone has to be the ones to step up and spread the word. It has to start somewhere. It doesnt just magically happen. I may not have the means to just pack up and leave to go to Haiti myelf, but my point is that drastic measures are taken by those who beleive. Those people started somewhere. Their Christianity and faith just didnt develop over night. But they got to a point where they knew that they were right with God and took it to the next level by broadening their voice. I would like to say that I would do that one day. I hope I do...For right now, why not just start out small? Sharing your beliefs with an American is just as important as sharing it with anyone else. This is my goal and although it has been difficult, I do think that I have tried my best at it.

So over the weekend I pray that I can continue to do this and Sunday when we are sitting in church, I hope that I can look back over the week and be proud of what I have done. I also hope that I can continue to thrive and grow in the word of God next week. This is a process for me. At this point, I am taking it one day at a time.

Just thinking

This week has been unusually slow for me. Working in accounting, this is kind of the "downtime" of the month. Usually I would really love this because it gives me the opportunity to catch up on other things. For some reason, that is not the case this time. I have found it increasingly harder to keep up my attitude during these past two days. I feel less productive and as a result, I feel almost like I am "failing" God. I am not doing anything necessarily different--just not as much. This is normal for me during this time, but this week it is not the same feeling. You always here that an idle mind is the devil's playground. I am starting to see where that quote comes from. I find that I want to go out and do something--make my difference, but cant because I have a 40 hour a week job. 28 days out of the month I am usually so busy I dont have time for anything else, but at least when I get off work I feel like I have done all that I can. I feel so unproductive today but cant do anything about it. Ugh! It can be extremely frusterating. Dont get me wrong, I am so thankful to have a great job that keeps me busy--and wanting to STAY busy..... but this "hurry up and wait" thing is getting to me today and I need some motivation. Lord, please give me strength to seek you in every way--even in the idle moments. Help me to continue on my journey of discovering You and not give up simply because I feel that no progress has been made. May I ALWAYS make progress in You!

The weekend

Hello all! This past weekend was unexpectedly extraordinary.... and for no good reason whatsoever. The only thing that was different about this weekend than any other one was my attitude. It was raining for two days straight and we had no plans. This doesn't occur often, so it was SO nice to just enjoy each other's company. We ate breakfast out, went to the movies twice and had some pretty wonderful conversations about nothing particularly special.Yesterday we listened to a wonderful sermon at church about the book of Isiah. I never knew how poetic some chapters in the Bible could be, but this one was amazing in its words and its message. Our preacher spoke about how even when we feel that God is not around, He is.... and He loves us unconditionally even when we do not return the favor. Great lesson! It was a wonderful weekend just to hang out around the house. We rented some movies and played with Roxi and Berklie (Berklie is getting HUGE by the way!)

There were also some times this weekend where things happened that normally would have gotten under my skin just a little. People pulling out in front of me, dropping $80 on Jordan's truck maintenance because he refuses to go anywhere except a dealership ha ha!, running a little late for church, etc. It didn't seem to get to me at all though. I have found that I don't dread Mondays because I have discovered a new way to look at it. It's the beginning of a new week and I get excited to find what God has in store for me. I don't dread the gym because I stopped looking at the calories burned and just began to focus on being healthy. My body is Christ's temple and that seems to be the ultimate motivation for me. These little changes that God has been making in me are adding up and creating a completely different person. I still have so much room for improvement and a LONG way to go; but this past weekend was just more proof of what He can do. I hope everyone had a GREAT Monday!

Day 2

Today I woke up with the thought of a fresh start in my head. As I heard Jordan's alarm go off, I turned over and slowly got out of bed (I am NOT a morning person!) As soon as I had some coffee and hopped in the shower, I remembered that this was my new beginning. I began to wonder what God had in store for me today. I wondered what He would have me do to help someone out--to make someone's day, and in turn-make mine. When I got to work this morning, I got so busy that the whole matter sort of escaped my mind. For those who may not know, I work for a real estate company who leases complexes, condos and lofts in the Birmingham area. I handle their accounting which means that the middle part of my month consists of drawing up termination notices as well as making arrangements with tenants who are late on their rent or homeowners association fees. Needless to say, I hear a lot of reasons why people are "late". Maybe they have been out of town, maybe they have been in the hospital....who knows. I hear it ALL! After being so used to working in an environment where everything seemed to be black and white, it is difficult adjusting to dealing with gray areas that exist in my new job. I am very fortunate that I have the authority in my position to basically decide who stays and who goes. Fortunate meaning my career advancement--not fortunate on having to make that call. I am thankful that I have been given the responsibility and trusted to make such big decisions, but sometimes those calls are hard to make. I have developed my own routine and have my own little "system" that I try pretty hard to stick with. There are always exceptions, but for the most part the process is the same. In my position, I can either be the hero who works with someone, draws up a contract with them to make sure they are not evicted, or I can be the bad guy who takes legal action against them through our company's attorney. Both were just a job to me. However, lately it has been getting more and more difficult to be the bad guy. It's not just a job anymore--I seem to take it more personally than I used to--good for my spiritual growth, bad for my career. In my industry, "it's not personal, it's just business". I abided by that religiously for so long--until this change in me began.

I seeked for guidance and a way for me to distinguish between the ones who were legitimately having serious financial problems, and those who were just taking us for a ride. Much easier said than done. This month, I have taken legal action on a few people already--most of who never bothered to call or give a story at all. This is easier for me to handle than dealing with the ones who do. However, today I was getting ready to file a collection form on someone and hand it right over to the attorney.....and then he called. I pulled his file and saw that he was very behind on his rent. He gave me the whole "I was out of town" spill and I tried so hard decide if he was being honest or not. I started asking questions. Why was he out of town? Why had he not called? About that time that old, deep-voiced man got silent. He then broke down and cried on the other end of the phone. He had just lost his brother. He had been to his funeral in Detroit while also taking care of his financial obligations with his own money. I knew at that moment that he was telling the truth. I went out on a limb and did what I could to hold off on the eviction process. He was very grateful to me and thanked me over and over.I got off the phone with him and started to worry. I vouched for this guy and postponed us getting a lot of money right away. What if I misjudged him? What if this falls back on me? And it definitely would. Like my daddy always said, "with great power comes great responsibility". I could be held responsible for this if he didn't hold up with his end of the deal.

A few hours ago, I heard a knock on my office door. It was that man. He came inside with a large folder. Inside, it contained all of the funeral bills, life insurance information, etc. Everything that proved to me that he was honest. I made copies of it all and put it with his file. He signed his contract that I had typed up and went on his way.....but not before he thanked me one more time.

Something inside told me to trust that man. I choose to believe that something was God. By doing so, I was able to help him and he was able to reassure me of the everlasting mercy of God's grace. Today was a good day and I am thankful for it.

Changing.....

Something has been laying on my mind quite a lot here lately. I have "stuck a pin in it" for a while but I feel like that can only be done for so long. This really hit home to me around the holiday season when family members asked Jordan and I what we wanted for Christmas. Neither one of us could really think of anything at all. We made suggestions--but nothing that we had just been dying to have. It occured to me at that moment that we are both straight out of college newlyweds. How in the world is there nothing we could think of that we wanted or needed? The more I thought about this the more I realized that it's because we have been blessed with so much. I have a wonderful spouse and family, my own home, a college education, a great job and countless other things that I never would have dreamed of. At 22, who else has all of that? The most bazaar part of it all is that I don't deserve any of it--not one thing. I have fallen from grace so many times I've lost count. I still falter every single day as hard as I try not to. And there are times that I still feel like something is missing. I pretend that I don't know what it is, but the truth is that I am completely aware of it. During my college years (like many people), I strayed from God and did things that I dread having to tell my children one day. Nothing TOO terrible, but just stupid, silly things. Between Jordan, schoolwork, my sorority, friends and parties..... God was the last thing on my mind. I kept telling myself that I needed to be young and that I would get back on track with Him as soon as I got out of school. Well after three years of college, Jordan and I got married. We started going to a wonderful church on a regular basis but something was still missing. I still had another year of school left to go and became frequently preoccupied trying to be a wife while still being a student. God was again, put on the back burner.

As happy as I was, all of these things were a lot of pressure for a gal to handle. I felt unappreciated in a couple of aspects in my life and seemed to take it out on those that I shouldn't have. I can remember a time when I wanted to "cure the world"..... I had this huge heart that wanted to help everyone and everything. I used to cry over every little thing because I felt sorry for so many people and situations. Over the years, I stopped caring about those things and began to focus on myself. I quit being nice to people that I didn't know like I used to, and instead of feeling sorry for everyone else, I felt sorry for myself. Because of the absence of God along with other circumstances in my life, my heart hardened. However, recently I have noticed myself getting emotional over things that involve someone other than me. I have caught myself feeling compassion for others again and regaining my old "cure the world" attitude. Why?

As a result of this, these past few months I have tried to look for ways to volunteer my time because I am a firm believer that if you are not in need, then it is your responsibility to help those who are. I have worked with animals quite a bit lately simply because they have always held a special place in my heart. I have participated in a few races for charities that I believe in supporting to help those less fortunate--but still something wasn't right.... It was definitely better, but not complete. The more I did, the more I felt I needed to do. It has taken some time for me to realize that the reason my life wasn't complete was very obvious. God never went away... he never strayed from me even though I couldn't return the favor. He stayed in the back of my mind until I was ready to open my life back up to him. I cant cure the diseases in the world, provide food for every hungry person, or shelter for every animal--as much as I would love to. But I CAN worship a God who loves the people and animals of this world more than I could ever imagine to. Slowly He has revealed himself to me through my volunteer work and I know he will continue to do so in every other part of my life as long as I allow him to. I had become so selfish in my ways for so long that I truly believe that the further He got away from me, the less I cared. But as soon as I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be..there He was to present what had been missing this whole time.

So the point of this post is not to shout this dramatic experience because the fact of the matter is that I knew the power of God all along ;so I guess none of this is necessarily surprising to me that He could have this impact on my life. This change in me has been slow, but no doubt drastic. So more than anything else, this is a therapy for me and an opportunity to document my life before and after the decision to let God take control of it. I have a long way to go and my relationship with Him is not near what I want it to be. But I guess the amazing thing to me is simply that along the way of me trying to make my little difference in the world, God chose to make His difference in me. I will forever be grateful that He is giving me a second chance at His grace and mercy and cant wait to see what He has in store for me.

I still believe that those who are not in need should help those who are, so I have made a decision to not necessarily focus on one charity or another (although I will still be participating in what I can) but to start out with what a lot of people call "random acts of kindness"... I don't really like that term but am at a loss for words to think of anything else. To put it differently, I think that if people took the time out of their day to go out of their way to help someone else, or do something thoughtful--this world would be closer to the way God wanted it to be. My RAK's started yesterday. I donated money to help those in Haiti who were affected by the earthquake. It wasn't a lot, but I know that it will help. And knowing that my time and money went towards something good was a good feeling in itself. I am going to try to make it a habit to also document these acts because I feel that it will assist me in my relationship with God. I understand that I can never be perfect. I can never help all those that I wish I could. I will never have the perfect marriage or the perfect children or the perfect life in general-- because this world is not perfect. However, I can still do my part to help. I am thankful that God has given me the capacity to care about other people than myself again--because for so long, I didn't. I understand how ridiculous and selfish that sounds, but it's is the absolute truth. I wasn't raised that way or taught to act that way--I just did. As previously stated, I don't deserve anything I have been given, but I am grateful for the opportunity because I can only assume that I have been blessed with the things I have because He has given me the responsibility of helping others. For that I am honored.

For Christmas, I got everything I said I "wanted". But my greatest gift has come from my creator--A new beginning, a clean slate and an unhardened heart.