Changing.....

Something has been laying on my mind quite a lot here lately. I have "stuck a pin in it" for a while but I feel like that can only be done for so long. This really hit home to me around the holiday season when family members asked Jordan and I what we wanted for Christmas. Neither one of us could really think of anything at all. We made suggestions--but nothing that we had just been dying to have. It occured to me at that moment that we are both straight out of college newlyweds. How in the world is there nothing we could think of that we wanted or needed? The more I thought about this the more I realized that it's because we have been blessed with so much. I have a wonderful spouse and family, my own home, a college education, a great job and countless other things that I never would have dreamed of. At 22, who else has all of that? The most bazaar part of it all is that I don't deserve any of it--not one thing. I have fallen from grace so many times I've lost count. I still falter every single day as hard as I try not to. And there are times that I still feel like something is missing. I pretend that I don't know what it is, but the truth is that I am completely aware of it. During my college years (like many people), I strayed from God and did things that I dread having to tell my children one day. Nothing TOO terrible, but just stupid, silly things. Between Jordan, schoolwork, my sorority, friends and parties..... God was the last thing on my mind. I kept telling myself that I needed to be young and that I would get back on track with Him as soon as I got out of school. Well after three years of college, Jordan and I got married. We started going to a wonderful church on a regular basis but something was still missing. I still had another year of school left to go and became frequently preoccupied trying to be a wife while still being a student. God was again, put on the back burner.

As happy as I was, all of these things were a lot of pressure for a gal to handle. I felt unappreciated in a couple of aspects in my life and seemed to take it out on those that I shouldn't have. I can remember a time when I wanted to "cure the world"..... I had this huge heart that wanted to help everyone and everything. I used to cry over every little thing because I felt sorry for so many people and situations. Over the years, I stopped caring about those things and began to focus on myself. I quit being nice to people that I didn't know like I used to, and instead of feeling sorry for everyone else, I felt sorry for myself. Because of the absence of God along with other circumstances in my life, my heart hardened. However, recently I have noticed myself getting emotional over things that involve someone other than me. I have caught myself feeling compassion for others again and regaining my old "cure the world" attitude. Why?

As a result of this, these past few months I have tried to look for ways to volunteer my time because I am a firm believer that if you are not in need, then it is your responsibility to help those who are. I have worked with animals quite a bit lately simply because they have always held a special place in my heart. I have participated in a few races for charities that I believe in supporting to help those less fortunate--but still something wasn't right.... It was definitely better, but not complete. The more I did, the more I felt I needed to do. It has taken some time for me to realize that the reason my life wasn't complete was very obvious. God never went away... he never strayed from me even though I couldn't return the favor. He stayed in the back of my mind until I was ready to open my life back up to him. I cant cure the diseases in the world, provide food for every hungry person, or shelter for every animal--as much as I would love to. But I CAN worship a God who loves the people and animals of this world more than I could ever imagine to. Slowly He has revealed himself to me through my volunteer work and I know he will continue to do so in every other part of my life as long as I allow him to. I had become so selfish in my ways for so long that I truly believe that the further He got away from me, the less I cared. But as soon as I realized that I wasn't where I needed to be..there He was to present what had been missing this whole time.

So the point of this post is not to shout this dramatic experience because the fact of the matter is that I knew the power of God all along ;so I guess none of this is necessarily surprising to me that He could have this impact on my life. This change in me has been slow, but no doubt drastic. So more than anything else, this is a therapy for me and an opportunity to document my life before and after the decision to let God take control of it. I have a long way to go and my relationship with Him is not near what I want it to be. But I guess the amazing thing to me is simply that along the way of me trying to make my little difference in the world, God chose to make His difference in me. I will forever be grateful that He is giving me a second chance at His grace and mercy and cant wait to see what He has in store for me.

I still believe that those who are not in need should help those who are, so I have made a decision to not necessarily focus on one charity or another (although I will still be participating in what I can) but to start out with what a lot of people call "random acts of kindness"... I don't really like that term but am at a loss for words to think of anything else. To put it differently, I think that if people took the time out of their day to go out of their way to help someone else, or do something thoughtful--this world would be closer to the way God wanted it to be. My RAK's started yesterday. I donated money to help those in Haiti who were affected by the earthquake. It wasn't a lot, but I know that it will help. And knowing that my time and money went towards something good was a good feeling in itself. I am going to try to make it a habit to also document these acts because I feel that it will assist me in my relationship with God. I understand that I can never be perfect. I can never help all those that I wish I could. I will never have the perfect marriage or the perfect children or the perfect life in general-- because this world is not perfect. However, I can still do my part to help. I am thankful that God has given me the capacity to care about other people than myself again--because for so long, I didn't. I understand how ridiculous and selfish that sounds, but it's is the absolute truth. I wasn't raised that way or taught to act that way--I just did. As previously stated, I don't deserve anything I have been given, but I am grateful for the opportunity because I can only assume that I have been blessed with the things I have because He has given me the responsibility of helping others. For that I am honored.

For Christmas, I got everything I said I "wanted". But my greatest gift has come from my creator--A new beginning, a clean slate and an unhardened heart.